I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
