sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
