Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
