A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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