theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
