My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Randomize
