I think I died a long time ago.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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