happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
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