My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
