I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
