remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Randomize
