Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Randomize
