Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
