fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
