I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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