Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Randomize
