Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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