....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
