you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
