I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Randomize
