his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
