So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
