i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
