God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
