The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
