You smell like a Billy Joel song
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
you had me at cake vodka
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
