I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Randomize
