it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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