DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
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