A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
