enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
