I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
