sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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