I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
