and next time when you feel me up, do it right
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
