I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
