I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
Randomize
