He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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