He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
