I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
