So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
