I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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