I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
