if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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