so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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