i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
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