If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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