i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
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