as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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