I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
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