When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Randomize
