I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
