Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
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